a sneak preview from the next edition of the worst case scenario survival handbook series:

what should i do when i am attacked by a stealth pakistani remote-controlled robot alien monkey man?

• first, try not to panic. the monkey man is as scared of you as you are of it.
• next, try turning on a light. the monkey man, or possibly monkey men, thrive in the shadows.
• got a banana? although it has not yet been proven that monkey men eat bananas, it seems a logical thing to try.
• in a stern, commanding voice, yell: "bad monkey man! bad!"
• preening is always an option.
• don't even try to defend yourself with a knife. it is common knowledge that monkeys love knife fights.
• if his attacks persist, leap off a rooftop.

(adapted from an email from marcus without his permission.)